You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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