I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
