Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
