remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
