Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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