My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
