I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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