apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
