You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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