I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
