when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
