Umm I'm too high to move.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
