I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
