you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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