ugly people sure do ruin things
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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