my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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