I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
