She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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