I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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