first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
