There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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