You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
