I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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