Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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