sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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