Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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