You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
