I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
