Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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