i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
