He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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