If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
