did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
