what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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