Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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