Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
