captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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