I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
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