after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
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Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
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He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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