His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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