yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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