i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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