If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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