please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
