He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
