I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
