yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
