college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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