Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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