i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
