I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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