there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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