yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
