Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
