i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
